Hear It As You Want To Understand It!
by Anton Wills-Eve
The mess room was crowded and everyone knew young ‘Tuppy’ Musgrove had been having a fling with Elizabeth ‘Twice’ Knightly, the 18 year-old daughter of regimental colonel Sir Garth Knightly. DSO (and always at thebar). Will Chanceit turned to Freddy Betterstill and asked, half jokingly,
“What odds the colonel has a go at Tuppy this evening?”
“No bet,” was the reply. “It’s a certainty.”
A few minutes later the colonel approached Tuppy and silence fell. “Well Sir. Well!.”
“Tolerably, thank you Sir. Tonsils been playing up a bit but . . . .”
“Don’t you play the ass with me Sir. Do you hear Sir? I have it on good authority that you have been trying to seduce my daughter! What? What? Is it true, Sir? I shall have a straight answer in plain English, please. None of your flummery bar talk.” Tuppy looked up at the ceiling, hoping for a miracle and thinking of his English lessons at school. An idea came to him.
“Well as you asked for a straight answer in grammatically correct English, Sir, I shall give it to you. I can assure you, Sir, that your daughter Elisabeth is the most chased girl across whom I have ever come!” At which the mess room collapsed and the Colonel twisted his finger in his ear to make sure he had heard the answer correctly.